Silver linings

Good morning Lord, I've come to do Your will.  Sometimes, like now, I feel very alone in a house jam packed with people.  I knew when You allowed me to have breast cancer and all that that entails, that there would be some type of valuable lesson learned.  right now I am not feeling an lessons, just very alone.  So many people reached out to me in the very beginning of my diagnosis and I became annoyed and angry.  For three months before I started chemotherapy everyone would tell me how good I looked and told me to call them if there was anything I needed from them.  I began to feel really weird, like a new celebrity who is uncomfortable with their new fame.  The way people reached out to me made me feel like they thought I was going to die because they heard the word "Cancer" and automatically thought the worst.  I have to say I did the same thing myself to anyone I personally knew and never realized how upsetting it is.  People give pity and think you are sick.  For three months I never felt sick.  Now that I have started chemo, I feel a new ailment everyday.  I always have to take my temperature - sometimes 3x a day.  If it hits 100.4 I need to go to the ER.  Funny, cause in normal life I never thought 100 degrees was even a temp.!!!  I am in between treatments 3 and 4 and it will be a week tomorrow from the treatment.  I am only now able to be among the land of the living.  I have been sleeping my life away - literally.  I never knew what people went through.  And nobody knows what I am going through cause all the people that reached out to me for those first 3 months are no where to be found.  I used to share on FB all that was going on with me and trying to make light of a heavy situation, letting my family and friends know that it is not the end of the world.  God has blessed me in so many ways and in every situation there is always a silver lining - we just need to look for it.  Sometimes longer and harder than others.  I thought loosing my hair would be devastating, but it really isn't.  Taking showers and getting ready is so much easier!  I don't have to shave my armpits anymore (silver lining) and I don't have to style my hair!! (another silver lining).   However, my head gets cold and I do need to always have a soft cap to wear.  But, back to FB, with all the attention I was drawing to myself, I became increasingly uncomfortable and angry/annoyed that people who have not bothered with me for years suddenly wanted to become "friends" and others wanted to come visit me.  This made me very uncomfortable because I felt like they thought I was dying and they wanted to see me one last time.  I guess these are some things God has shown me in the "what not to do when ......."  Is this another silver lining?  possibly.  Although I think I shared with who I though were my friends and scared them off - along with all those they told.  Now I have shut many people out because of my tactlessness and spend most of my time alone, amongst my husband and family.  Tom is busier than a one armed paper hanger - playing the role of husband and mother.  The kids still have places to go and people to see, life still goes on, and I either lie on the couch or the bed just sleeping my chemo off.  It is really strange.  I try so to remain upbeat - and when I am not feeling like a limp wet noodle, it is easy to be positive.  But when mere talking is exhausting, it is a bit difficult for me, day after day to not begin to feel sorry for myself.  I do try to catch myself and tell myself "this too shall pass" - "this time next year all will be well".  Even though I don't always feel HIM, I know this must be the time HE is carrying me.  I yearn to feel HIS presence and HIS arms around me - knowing that HE is taking care of me and HE has trust in me that I will be able to get through this and become a stronger person, hopefully a changed person, one that can GLORIFY HIM. "Trust, trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding"  - 

Dear Lord, please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.!  This I ask in JESUS' NAME, Amen.