God sends

Good afternoon Lord!  I've come to do Your will..........
Yesterday I felt good but had to go for my "off week" check in at the doc.  Low and behold  my hemoglobin's are so low, both red and white, that I had to get an iron iv and another antibiotic to help with my white count.  My white count has me in a neutropenic state.  That means I have basically no immune system.  I need to wear a mask in front of anyone who may be sick and always if I am in a social, out of the house with the public setting.  My diet has to be cooked, canned, or processed!  Believe that?  No fresh fruits, veggies, condiments, spices, s&p, fresh flowers in the house, no soft cheeses, no cold cuts/lunch meat - no anything, it feels like.  This is the second time I am like this - I was just like this for a week during Christmas.  My husband was fantastic and made sure I had my own packaged homogenized foods, canned goods, processed foods.  He cooked and made sure I was the first to eat so it didn't have time to grow any bacteria - he is amazing and I don't share, just saying.  I was in the ER for 2 visits during that week and now here we are for round 2.  So yesterday when they gave me the iv and whatnot I had my pity party and went on my way.  Here I sit writing and reflecting.......My mother in law just stopped by for a visit and I had just finished cleaning and vacuuming the first floor and had really worked myself in to a major fit cause with 6 young adults living in our home I would think some of them would see what needs to be done, uh......no.    So as I'm all in a lather my God send came in and brought me joy and peace.  We talked, laughed, had lunch and talked and laughed some more.  She asked for a jar of Tom's BB pickles - so as I was climbing to reach them I knocked over a bottle of sparkling water and it, by the grace of God, didn't smash on to the cement floor, but starting spraying from the cap.  She picked it up and then didn't know what to do with it!!  We were laughing as she was walking around trying to figure out what to do with this "grenade"!  meanwhile it is spraying all over her face and body!!!! hahahahahaa!  she yells, Happy New Year!  It was so funny!  Then she shoots it into the dogs water bowl!  Well, I got the cap off and dumped the rest of the lemon sparkling water into the bowl and now the dogs are happy too!  We laughed and laughed and she wiped her face and then I got her a jar of the pickles and home she went.   God knew I needed this funny light hearted diversion and he sent the best person for the job!   My husband is so great cause his mother is so great.  I have been truly blessed.  thank you Jesus!  Another silver lining or two or three!!

God is Good.......spread the word :)

What a difference a day makes!

Good Morning Lord, I've come to do Your will.......

What a difference a day makes!  Yesterday was the end of the chemo drag and I no longer feel like Rip Van Winkle!!!!  Hurray!  I don't have all my energy back but I am feeling pretty good, thank you Jesus!!  Now that I feel good I can look back on these past couple of weeks and be so thankful for my husband.  He has been a tremendous help and nurse maid!  I have always called myself Suzy Homemaker and now I have a Sammy Homemaker!!  He is truly fantastic!  The other day, day three of chemo sleep, I was thinking about wet foods cause my mouth was so dry.  The thoughts of crackers or pretzels was gagging, my mouth was so dry that they would get caught in my throat.  I know I was becoming dehydrated but when you are in this mode, it is very hard to keep drinking.  I was thinking of chicken croquettes and chicken gravy.  Has anyone ever had them?  Meyers and Weaver used to make them and they were delicious as a kid, my favorite meal actually next to meatloaf with brown gravy!!  Now the only place to get them is at the diner or making them.  My dear husband made them!!!!!!!!!  God Bless Him!  They were delicious and our kids loved them too!!!!  See?  God is always with us!!  He let me know that He hasn't forgotten about me, in all my self absorbed misery, He is there to comfort me and show me love, via my husband!!  Today I don't feel lonely, today is technically no different than yesterday, except I physically feel better and I don't feel alone.  Praise God!!    It is a beautiful snowy morning and half the house is at school or work and the other half are still sleeping, just like yesterday, and I don't feel alone!  What a difference a day makes, thank you Jesus!!  You promised to never leave me nor forsake me and every day You show me that You are always here.  I might not know it right away but when I take time to reflect back I can see Your work and know that only You could have made all these wonderful things possible.  Thank You!! 

Silver linings

Good morning Lord, I've come to do Your will.  Sometimes, like now, I feel very alone in a house jam packed with people.  I knew when You allowed me to have breast cancer and all that that entails, that there would be some type of valuable lesson learned.  right now I am not feeling an lessons, just very alone.  So many people reached out to me in the very beginning of my diagnosis and I became annoyed and angry.  For three months before I started chemotherapy everyone would tell me how good I looked and told me to call them if there was anything I needed from them.  I began to feel really weird, like a new celebrity who is uncomfortable with their new fame.  The way people reached out to me made me feel like they thought I was going to die because they heard the word "Cancer" and automatically thought the worst.  I have to say I did the same thing myself to anyone I personally knew and never realized how upsetting it is.  People give pity and think you are sick.  For three months I never felt sick.  Now that I have started chemo, I feel a new ailment everyday.  I always have to take my temperature - sometimes 3x a day.  If it hits 100.4 I need to go to the ER.  Funny, cause in normal life I never thought 100 degrees was even a temp.!!!  I am in between treatments 3 and 4 and it will be a week tomorrow from the treatment.  I am only now able to be among the land of the living.  I have been sleeping my life away - literally.  I never knew what people went through.  And nobody knows what I am going through cause all the people that reached out to me for those first 3 months are no where to be found.  I used to share on FB all that was going on with me and trying to make light of a heavy situation, letting my family and friends know that it is not the end of the world.  God has blessed me in so many ways and in every situation there is always a silver lining - we just need to look for it.  Sometimes longer and harder than others.  I thought loosing my hair would be devastating, but it really isn't.  Taking showers and getting ready is so much easier!  I don't have to shave my armpits anymore (silver lining) and I don't have to style my hair!! (another silver lining).   However, my head gets cold and I do need to always have a soft cap to wear.  But, back to FB, with all the attention I was drawing to myself, I became increasingly uncomfortable and angry/annoyed that people who have not bothered with me for years suddenly wanted to become "friends" and others wanted to come visit me.  This made me very uncomfortable because I felt like they thought I was dying and they wanted to see me one last time.  I guess these are some things God has shown me in the "what not to do when ......."  Is this another silver lining?  possibly.  Although I think I shared with who I though were my friends and scared them off - along with all those they told.  Now I have shut many people out because of my tactlessness and spend most of my time alone, amongst my husband and family.  Tom is busier than a one armed paper hanger - playing the role of husband and mother.  The kids still have places to go and people to see, life still goes on, and I either lie on the couch or the bed just sleeping my chemo off.  It is really strange.  I try so to remain upbeat - and when I am not feeling like a limp wet noodle, it is easy to be positive.  But when mere talking is exhausting, it is a bit difficult for me, day after day to not begin to feel sorry for myself.  I do try to catch myself and tell myself "this too shall pass" - "this time next year all will be well".  Even though I don't always feel HIM, I know this must be the time HE is carrying me.  I yearn to feel HIS presence and HIS arms around me - knowing that HE is taking care of me and HE has trust in me that I will be able to get through this and become a stronger person, hopefully a changed person, one that can GLORIFY HIM. "Trust, trust in the Lord, lean not on your own understanding"  - 

Dear Lord, please give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.!  This I ask in JESUS' NAME, Amen.

December 11, 2014

Good Morning Lord, I've come to do your will. 

 Yesterday I had to chance to  try and clear the air with a person I had become very friendly with and then it blew up in our faces about 2 months ago.  At the time of this blow up, I was deeply hurt, knowing that all the stuff that was being said to me was not coming from the person I had befriended over the past five years.  My sister pointed out that she thought this person was fighting someone elses fight - that the other person was fueling the fire and this "friend" was shooting the arrows.  I knew at that time that the Holy Spirit had spoken through my sister because it totally made sense because it was so unlike my friend to behave this way.  So yesterday I had lunch with this person and we talked (contact has been made and we have forgiven and forgotten (not really)) about what went down and I told her how I felt and that I forgave her for the things she said because I knew it wasn't her speaking, it was her fighting someone elses battle.  I don't know if she fully understood what I was saying but my parish priest and friend told me it did not matter that she doesn't see all that - it's ok.  I get it - I have been blessed with understanding in the whole fall out and know that I am not without sin to the real person whom this fight was about, but I am without sin to the friend who was fighting it.  I know God will one day enlighten her to all this, as He has enlightend me.

I just stumbled upon a blog from "are you there God, its me Jess" I think that is what it is - I'm waiting to hear back from her so I can sign up for postings in my inbox.  She said whatever you say, say it in love.  I am a straight shooter and brutally honest.  I think I must have been sidetracked when the Lord was handing out the "sugar coating" cause I don't know how to do that!!!!!   I try to speak with love and pray that God will put a guard upon my mouth and seal upon my lips so that I don't sin against Him with my tongue, I need to remember to say this everyday - cause when I do, HE DOES!! 

The words of our mouth always have consequences -  to quote Joyce Meyer, "I am not where I need to be, but, thank God I am not where I used to be!!"   

Today I ask you Lord, to help me to speak in love and let your light shine through me to all those I encounter today.  Amen.

me 

nothing ventured, nothing gained!!

December 9th, 2014

Dear angryemail:

Today is the first day of the rest of my life..........I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and have since had it removed and am now undergoing treatment.  I have been given a gift from God.  A gift that I hope to be able to explain in more detail at a later date, when He sends me the message.  He has given me the grace to get through this diagnosis but I am still praying for the grace to be able to understand and embrace the reactions of others towards me at this time.  I can only equate it to how new celebrities handle their new found fame - it is very uncomfortable and a lesson I am sure God is teaching me.  So far, I am not doing so well in this department.    Yesterday I wrote how I truly feel about all of this and posted it on Facebook, thank you Jesus for prompting me to remove it before anyone got the chance to read it!!  I was telling my daughter about this and she suggested I start an email account called angryemail278@gmail.com!!  The light went off..........wow! what a fantastic idea!  Beings I like to write and journal and share what I am experiencing during this time, I thought I would begin a new blog - not one like my last one where I do show and tell, but all the things I want to say but not on a site where anyone can get upset with what I write.  It is written to angryemail and gives the reader, if there are any, a chance to write back, kinda like an Ann Landers column. Although, I find when I actually write to God in a copy book, He seems to hear me better because I am so entrenched in what I am feeling and saying.   I also invite others to write to angryemail/"are you there God?, its me"  and share whatever is irking them at the time to help vent and get it off your chest without actually spilling the beans and having the chance to offend people.  You get to say whatever you want (please no profanity), get it said then move on.  I was going to just set up an angryemail account and have an abyss of my venting and anyone elses for that matter, never to be viewed again.  But I had been thinking of starting a new blog just to write and now I am meshing the two ideas.  I don't know if this concept will work - but I thought I would give it a try.  God is always leading me and I have tried to train myself to listen when He talks - He is never wrong or untimely in His guidance - He has recently freed me of a lifetime of anger that I did not even realize I had - He is truly an awesome God!!!  He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me and He hasn't!!!!  Maybe I'll change the name to "are you there God?, it's me" .    So please feel free to write back or vent yourself -  don't leave your name cause God knows who you are, the rest of us don't need to!!!!

sincerely,

me